I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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