Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
Randomize
