You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
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