I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
