I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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