So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
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