last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.â€
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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