He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
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