Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
Randomize
