Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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