I wanna bring you to show and tell
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
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