By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
