i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
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