apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
Randomize
