I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Randomize
