You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Randomize
