There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Randomize
