my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
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