so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
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