she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
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Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
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That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies