I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
You need Xanax blowdarts
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
