I seem to have left my pride at pride
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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