i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
