Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Randomize
