my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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