Kareoke will never be a sober sport
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
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