I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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