can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
