His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Randomize
