oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
