why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
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