Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
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