You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Considering the face that your still in jail Im gunna go with no.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
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