If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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