At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
