i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
