I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
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