I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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