His pubic hair was longer than his dick
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
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