my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Randomize
