She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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