I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
