fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
did i walk over a car last night?
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
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