everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Randomize
