turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
