I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
