we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Randomize
