Dude my mom stole all your condoms
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
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