Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Randomize
