I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
