roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
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