youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
