I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Randomize