I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
there is puke in my bra ... again
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