I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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