you lied. pity sex is amazing.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
