Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
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