Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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