i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
Randomize
