Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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