Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
69 |D_O
wtf does that mean??
it's a very specialized emoticon, means 'i heard you fucking some dude through my bedroom wall last night and so i listened intently"
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
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