did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
