I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
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