my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
